I think i was about eleven when i first had a drop of alcohol, it was half a can of strongbow. My mum gave it to me after i got back from a birthday party. I loved the taste of it, but never really that much more, maybe the od sip of beer from dad and a snowball at christmas.

It was'nt til i was fifhteen i stayed my bestfriends house with another of my friends. We all got drunk, think i must of had 9 bottles of foster's. (Not Much compared to what i drink now!)

The next morning i felt my very first hangover, it was horrible! I swore to myself, never again! As you do.

I was always a shy person, once i reached about nineteen whenever i new i was going to meet a girl which i liked, i would have a couple of drinks head start, to boost my confidence!

I now think at twenty five, i am lucky to find that special person the one i love, but if she only new how much alcohol i drink! I don't think she would leave me but, like most people who are not alcoholics, see alcholics as "Dirty Alcoholics"

You know!

I always think if i was to of found the one person i truly love sooner maybe i wouldnt be in the situation im in now!

But finding road to finding that person i have a number of girlfriends which do not like the person i am when i drink. This reson i have hidden how much alcohol i drink to the one i love so much!

She has seen the person i am once drunk a few times, but only a few! At the moment we don't live together and when she does stay at my house i wait til she sleeps before i drink. I dont just drink i drink til i have blackout, and wake the next day not knowing when i went to sleep!

She sometimes wonders why i am not happy in the morning, because i am hungover is the reason. If i told her that she would know for the past one and a half years that was ther reason i wasnt happy in the morning!

I know i drink to much but i cant stop it, two weeks ago i managed to stop drinking for a week! Which in my books is good! A week later i have drunk two bottles of wine, one litre bottle of vodka and four bottles of 3litre super cider!

Today i took a day of sick! The reason being last night i thought, fuck it im gonna get drunk again! Im nearly in tears writing this! Sometimes i think maybe i shoul just kill myself, it would be easier!

Me and my girlfriend went to Tenerife on holiday about three months ago. We were having a good time id had a few drinks and so did she. (Like you do on holiday). So she never really saw how much i was drinking. But come the fifth day i got quite a bit drunk and she wanted an early night. She got annoyed that i wanted to go back to the bar and drink some more and we argued!

I told her i was going to go for a walk. This was'nt my intention, i was going to go to the bar have one final drink, and fall into the sea! I am now crying now, as i walked fom our hotel room, i heared her cry! I couldnt walk no further.

I have made one attempt before this to comit suicde, this was about two years before i met my present girlfriend. I overdosed on a few pills but nothing happened! I just woke the next day with a hangover! Again.

I am writing this blog post and sitting to the left of my keyboard is a glass of super cider and below my desk is the rest of the bottle. Enough to get me to blackout!

I wake every day feeling horid! ,my stomach hurts and i can not eat til late the next day!

I have put on about 2 stone in weight in the past year and a half, i was always a fit and slim person so you can really notice the differnce!

I need to stop drinking, but iam not going to AA to talk in front of a room full of people. ANd i cant tell my girlfriend!

I dont know what to do!